Thoughts of a Lunatic: Kai Chelsea, Van De Bleak and other football talking points

Football is actually back and we are only expecting fans back at the stadiums. The world seems to have damned COVID-19 and moved on; Wuhan must now invent something else. All those protocols that were taken seriously before football resumed are more academic now and or not followed anymore.  Teams file out separately as against filing out together only to end up tugging, pushing, embracing and spitting all over the pitch. Talking about tugging, Chelsea’s Andreas Christensen ‘overbroke’ COVID-19 rules by that unholy embrace of Sadio Mane. He should not just be suspended; he should suffer a lengthy ban and be put in isolation.

What are the other takeaways for this lunatic from football this weekend?

Another Gabriel at Arsenal

Lots of people have even forgotten Arsenal used to have one Gabriel. That one that took Brazil’s fight against Spain’s Diego Costa personal, you remember him now? Yes! The one with the visionary teeth. We did not even notice when Arsenal took him through the backdoor back to Spain.

They seem to have another Gabriel now. Gabriel Maga…whatever, Gabriel Maga sounds good. However, he has started well, scoring on his debut and posting a man-of-the-match display in his second match. Trust Arsenal fans, they have discovered the best thing after moi moi. We are waiting…

Gabriel Maghalaes has started well at Arsenal

Still on Arsenal or an Arsenal-affiliate, Kieran Gibbs, yes, he still plays football. The last time he was sent off in the Premier League, it was a case of mistaken identity in 2014. He waited a whole six years to collect a red card of his own in the ‘most stupidest’ of manner in West Brom’s loss against Everton.

Kai Chelsea

For us in this part of the World, Kai stands for Kick Against Indiscipline or in even more razz manner, kai means stop. When you are doing something unworthy, the word ‘kai’ brings you back to line, if you are not a stubborn goat.

Kai has struggled in his first two matches.

Lampard and Chelsea fans should kai and just drop the hype of that Havertz boy. He could come up good later but the Kai we have seen so far is just a German left-footed Daniel James. Last time out against Brighton, he was playing with imaginary teammates.  This weekend against Liverpool, Lampard saved us more minutes of disasterclass by pulling him off at half-time. Kai!

Ban Bayern

Bayern might have to be banned from football. If they will not start respecting opponents, they should go and look for their opponents elsewhere. Barcelona are still trying to recover from the gr-eight damage the Bavarians did to them and they have continued on the act.

Bayern Munich started the season with a bang.

Just the first week of the Bundesliga season and they are already trashing Schalke 08 (sorry, Schalke 04) 8-0. Bayer Munich, diaris God, fear God.

Ramsey Pirlo

All Aaron Ramsey needed was to be coached by Andrea Pirlo to discover the Pirlo in him. In Juventus’s 3-0 win against Sampdoria, Ramsey was pulling all the Pirlo-esque passes in midfield and recorded an assist for Ronaldo’s goal.

Knowing Ramsey, we might start thinking Pirlo has been replaced with Tiemoue Bakayoko or Danny Drinkwhatever when he decides to show us the other side.

Van de Bleak

Manchester United’s new boy Danny Van De Beek came off the bench in Manchester United’s 3-1 loss against Crystal Palace. Images of him on the bench with Manchester United trailing brought memories of a certain Alexis Sanchez. We hope he did not go home to enquire from his agent if he could cancel his contract and return to Ajax.

The look says a lot.

Manchester United are even yet to wear that their black and white jersey but they are already delivering colourless zebra-like performances.

Maybe they should consider bringing Wilfred Zaha back after he tormented them on Saturday. But we must confirm Ole Solskjaer does not have a pretty grown daughter first.

Nigerian men impressive shots

The result of Nigerian men impressive shooting skills always find a way to emerge in football. No, I am not talking about Victor Osimhen or Samuel Chukwueze but a certain Marvin Olawale Akinlabi Park. Marvin Park made his debut for Real Madrid at the weekend, we found out the Olawale Akinlabi part, he definitely has some connections to Nigeria.

Marvin Park played for Real Madrid against Real Sociedad at the weekend.

Marvin was born in Spain to a Nigerian father and a South Korean mother. Naija men! We now have so many ‘Nigerian born’ everywhere due to their shooting skills. Even Korean woman? Naija men can shoot.

The Lunatic won’t end without a word for Kepa Arizabawhatever and Chelsea. The fact that a man’s name sounds like keeper does not mean he is a good goalkeeper and is worth a world record fee. Whoever recommended Kepa to Chelsea deserves 600 years in that place Harry Maguire spent some days at.  

Don’t follow me anywhere, a lunatic needs no followers.