Father Christmas In The Premier League

It is Christmas, the season of good cheer and good tidings. Season to give and receive, depending on the side you belong to.

The season is synonymous with Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas. As a folkloric tradition goes, Father Christmas is the bringer of gifts during Christmas. …he knows if you have been good or bad so be good for goodness sake.

If Father Christmas visited the Premier League, what will the various Premier League characters be wanting or deserving?

As far as being good goes, Jurgen Klopp and his Liverpool team deserves lots of good gifts for winning the Premier League. When Pep Guardiola took over Manchester City, coupled with the way Manchester City bought every footballer that looked like a star, we thought City will continue to win the league till Guardiola gets tired and leaves for another money bag. Thanks to Klopp for bringing competition to the league. However, Mo Salah will still love to have a captain’s armband from Santa. When the Liverpool captain wears his armband, Salah also wears his. There can be two captains on a ship. Klopp will also like to give gifts to VAR officials, you know, so they can be nicer to him.

For all of Guardiola’s exploits, he has never won the Champions League without Lionel Messi. To seal his reputation at City, he needs the cup with the big ears. Santa should wrap Messi up and send to Pep.

Santa should send red Christmas cards to Arsenal players, since they have developed a love for red cards. They have also become a good donor of three points, they deserve gifts for their benevolence. Arsenal as a club have also been very nice. Which other club pays a player 350,000 pounds per week for doing nothing but run commentary and engage fans on twitter? Which other club also appoints a manager even when he is yet to do his freedom? Arsenal deserve gifts, preferably one that will serve them well in the Championship. Santa should send a baseball cap to Mikel Arteta, and Arsenal have their Spanish Tony Pulis.

On behalf of Nigerians, Santa should give Manchester United bowls of jollof rice. Thanks to them, Odion Ighalo was able to fulfil his childhood dreams of playing for Manchester United. Even if he has become a non-playing staff in the past few months. We even heard he helps to arrange cones during training sessions. All na favour over labour. We heard Ahmed Musa is a Manchester United fan too. Ed Woodward should do the necessary. Musa is presently clubless, else he does an odemwingie and show up at Carrington.

Budweiser, official beer partner of the Premier League should also consider sending beers to Premier League goalkeepers for every goal they concede. Kepa Aribibizagba will drink to stupor.

Big Sam is on a rescue mission to West Brom. He will need a defensive striker like Kevin Davies, they don’t have such at West Brom presently. A player that can throw the ball from the halfway line to the box is also needed. Santa should wrap such players in a box and send to Allardyce.

A time machine for Chris Wilder. Last season, he was wilding. Sheffield United were talked about as European places contenders. This season they are bottom of the league. Just two points from fourteen matches. Defeats are landing on them like punches on Deontay Wilder. All Wilder will need is a time machine that will help him live last season again.

Chelsea may have forgotten to buy Kai Havertz’s manual when they bought him from Bayer Leverkusen. So that the £71m pounds will not waste, Santa should send his manual to Stamford Bridge. Chelsea clamour for rice like they are Nigerians. As rice is expensive in Nigeria, so is rice expensive in London – Declan Rice. Santa should send Rice to Chelsea – whether local or imported.

Ole is always at the wheels. Sometimes, he is fast and steady. Some other times, he is slow and rough. We doubt he has a driver’s license, hence his inconsistency at the wheels. Santa should send a driver’s license to Ole so he can drive Manchester United safely, to Europa League glory.

Merry Christmas to you from Goaldball. Thank you for being on the journey with us. Let us do next year bigger and better.

Follow us on Twitter @goaldball. Tell somebody to tell somebody about us.

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